walls closing in. no door. no window.

I know I told you all I was finally happy with where I am in my life. And I wasn't lying, life seemed pretty sweet. But to be honest, it wasn't until someone questioned my satisfaction, that I realised it wasn't true. I live in Australia. I have friends. I go to a great University. I'm studying what I love. But I'm not happy. I hate living in Australia. That's the truth. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. The way people behave, dress, eat and love just doesn't connect to the way I feel. I must sound like a snob. I know I'm lucky to live in a country that allows me to live a comfortable life; but let's be honest, the world is getting worse by the year, and Australia is not immune. In fact, I fear it may be the first to go. I don't want to be here. I feel like a bird with it's wings clipped. I'm not the sort of person that will settle for this life. Usually I believe in a "good enough" attitude, but when it comes to the rest of my life, I want something bigger. Or just better. But I don't know what to do about it. And when. The person I am inside is dying under the Australian sun, I can feel the real me fading away.

they will not force us

There is this person in my life. When I met them, I had no ill feelings towards them. In fact, I found their character quite amusing. But one day I just cracked. I think I must have been having a bad day because I was just annoyed at the world. Ever since then, I just feel so annoyed at this person. It's nothing they did to me, but I just can't stand to be near them. Their presence annoys me, their articulation annoys me and everything he does annoys me. I'm being irrational, and I know it. He is nothing but nice to me, but I just can't help but be disgusted by him. If I push myself, I'll blame him for it. The worst part is I think they are starting to notice. And I think they are confused about it. And I'm sorry, but I don't like you.

busy. shh.

It's that time of year. Second only to christmas. Oh, life is sweet.

simple pleasures

I love how small things can lift your spirits in the greatest way. I had an important Chemistry Lab today which wasn't so much hard, more really go go go. Lot's of fumes and reactions going on. So retreating afterwards, tired as usual, I strutted of to our campus centre and spotted a carton of chocolate milk. It was so good. It picked my mood up right away. After two long days, the week is finally going to start easing up. And I can't wait to watch South Park tonight. Marathon. That's what's keeping me going through my study tonight. And another bonus, mum made pancakes for dinner tonight. And I got to have a heart to heart with a lovely friend I thought I wouldn't see today. Tuesday ended up being a pretty fine day, who knew?

in a few words

I'm watching the Formula One Monacco 2010 Grand Prix race as we speak, cheering for Robert Kubica like the fan I am. Other than the inside struggles, not much going on at the moment. A checklist for whats coming up:

* see the titanic exhibition
* mid term exams
* watch skins season 2
* desperation for a trench coat
* get into shape
* study way more in semester 2
* finish 1984, George Orwell deserves better
* see toy story 3
* winter skirts
* awaiting a parcel from Poland

kay xx

skins

Erm, just watch it. That is all.

number three

I chose this photo for it's humour. Turtle's are meant to be slow movers, but this one looks like it's speeding past. Taken at Toronga Zoo in Sydney, Australia.

and I asked why this is happening to me?

Hey there bloggers, I know I've been silent for a while now but I feel like I can't express myself at the moment. I have so many things I want to tell someone, but I have nobody to tell. Well of course I've got my wonderful friends, but I don't think these feelings are for them to hear.

The worst thing about what I'm feeling right now is it's making me confused. Very confused. Then I think there is something wrong with me, but the little part of my heart or whatever it is that's ticking away in there, senses somethings going on. The worst part is I don't think anyone wants to hear it. So, I'll just keep it to myself thank you very much. That is all.

when your heart begins to fall apart

In your youth, you feel like you're invincible. I should know, I'm eighteen. Everything seems to hand itself to you, because life seems a highway. You go in one direction, and you have the option of exiting whenever you make a decision. So I've always been headed from primary school to high school. From high school to University. My life was already chosen somehow. And things were simple, because everyone knew that's just the thing to do with your life. But deep down, I always knew things couldn't stay perfect and unchanging forever. I just wished I could pretend it would. I can see that change is important, for us to grow emotionally as people. But I have to question why in this way. The plan never included losing pieces of myself along the way. Because that's what this person is to me. A piece of my heart. And my soul.

maybe being a robot would be better

I know I've been MIA, but unfortunately my Internet got capped and posting at uni just doesn't feel right.

I've been thinking a lot about emotions recently. Feelings are so beautiful. They let us love, hope, believe and be passionate. I'm so greatful that we as humans can take these emotions and turn them into actions. But just recently I've discovered them to be a nuisance as well. One moment, you're in an awesome friendship; you have a great time together and you mutually agree that you enjoy each others company heaps. Then one half of the friendship has to ruin it all with their feelings and make it awkward to be around each other. Sometimes I just hate emotions. Why do they have to ruin friendships? I mean, what if the feelings are one sided? Why must life be so hard? I can't imagine how many perfectly great relationships have been ruined when one person ends up falling for the other. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the best way is to go about such a situation. I'm open to ideas.